Rantings from a confused heart

I've been trying to figure out why my life has always been less than my expectations. My relationships with friends and boyfriends have always brought me sheer pain and heartache... I constantly wonder about my ex's new girl and wonder what it is about her that makes him happier than i was ever able to make him? and i look at my present boyfriend and wonder why he hasn't proposed? is it that my personality needs work or am I just that horrible a girlfriend? 

My best friend would tell me I'm being crazy and that I am perfect the way I am, but I am not perfect. I always mess things ujp or break things that need not be broken.

I am always the one who's forgotten about..."sorry something else came up"
 or simply put "I forgot."

I know that I am meant to stand out because I have so much in me but I never seem to get the chance to do it.

I am in love with a man who I think would make a perfect husband but I know it won't happen. Sometimes I think he's looking past me and not at me. In the beginning, he thought I'd make a good wife but so much bad stuff has happened that I don't know if he still sees me that way. I would give him the world in a heartbeat... I want to wake up beside him everyday for the rest of my life and I want to be the mother of all his children. I want to be his companion when he's old and gray and wearing diapers. I want to feel his embrace and his kiss. I want to be his and I want him to be mine. When i met him I never had the slightest clue I would feel this way (sigh) Every night I pray that he finds joy and solace and I am proud of him in every way.

I have alot of life to live and I hope I live it with him...