2010

It has been a rough start for me man. I am jobless, gaining weight like crazy, lost one of my best friends, lost love and started to gain weight like crazy. Basically I lost my "swagg." Today I said that to a friend and she laughed becasue she couldn't believe that. To her, I am a ball of fun, constant laughs and smiles. I miss being myself and It may seem stupid to some people and logics to others but when i'm not making my own money I feel like a bum. I cannot depend on a man for money, I don't even like depending on my mom.

There are some girls i look at and just want to know what gives them their "swagg". Is it there looks? their smarts? or the fact that they have a strong support system? I know I am a great person but I want to feel like I am again.

Losing things you love makes you sort of doubt who you are and what you have to offer sometimes.

Dreams

I have never been one to believe in dreams but I had the weirdest experience yesterday that has me wonderig... hab
On Sunday I had a dream that my friends mom (whom I have NEVER met seeing that she lives in America) came to my house screaming at him that his friendship with me was a distraction. I would pass this lady on  the road because I have only seen pictures but there she was in my dream as clear as day.
So...I called said friend yesterday only to hear that his mom is coming today (TWILIGHT ZONE or coincidence). I have had the  normal deja vu about minor stuff but this really really got me. hearing creepy music.
So I am starting to wonder if dreams are actually direct messages from God or our subconscious mind showing us our worst fears.

....

Today I had a new experience. One of my 14 year old female students stabbed another girl with  a compass. My heart sank when I went into the front office and saw her because I knew she was in trouble yet again. At the time I didn't know the extent of the trouble. When I began speaking to her she was in a rage, I knew that rage personally because its the rage I get whenever I'm truly angry. All she kept saying was that she's ready to go home permanently, so I asked her where she lives and she told me, I also asked if she lives with her family and she said she lives with her mom and that her mom had 7 children but 3 died.

I constantly tell my students that anger and fighting will not solve every problem in life. I also tell them that growing up means learning to control their emotions and being smart about their choices.

This generation is not easy to deal with but for the sake of their future I try my hardest to be a positive role model or just a listening ear, or a hug, or advice, or homework help.

Rantings from a confused heart

I've been trying to figure out why my life has always been less than my expectations. My relationships with friends and boyfriends have always brought me sheer pain and heartache... I constantly wonder about my ex's new girl and wonder what it is about her that makes him happier than i was ever able to make him? and i look at my present boyfriend and wonder why he hasn't proposed? is it that my personality needs work or am I just that horrible a girlfriend? 

My best friend would tell me I'm being crazy and that I am perfect the way I am, but I am not perfect. I always mess things ujp or break things that need not be broken.

I am always the one who's forgotten about..."sorry something else came up"
 or simply put "I forgot."

I know that I am meant to stand out because I have so much in me but I never seem to get the chance to do it.

I am in love with a man who I think would make a perfect husband but I know it won't happen. Sometimes I think he's looking past me and not at me. In the beginning, he thought I'd make a good wife but so much bad stuff has happened that I don't know if he still sees me that way. I would give him the world in a heartbeat... I want to wake up beside him everyday for the rest of my life and I want to be the mother of all his children. I want to be his companion when he's old and gray and wearing diapers. I want to feel his embrace and his kiss. I want to be his and I want him to be mine. When i met him I never had the slightest clue I would feel this way (sigh) Every night I pray that he finds joy and solace and I am proud of him in every way.

I have alot of life to live and I hope I live it with him...