What is it?

Is it true feelings for you or low self confidence why I back down?
Is it that though it tears me up inside, the thought of you being happy with her is enough to make me fight this battle that rages within?
I know that I can make you happy but the thing is she was there first so whether I like it or not, it is what it is
I wish something would let you see me as the one you would like to build a relationship with that would last awhile and maybe produce a few kids
But then I think how sad she would be and then I remember that I am strong enough to handle the pain of not having you but I don't know if she could
Who does that anyhow? Who sits and writhe with pain?
Who allows you to sleep with her and not allow herself to fully let go for the fear of her not being able to let you go?
Who remembers every little thing and smiles because all she sees is the youth you were evolve into the man you have become?
She is me and I am her
The one that let's you in and shuts out screams of ecstasy and joy because the little boy that is now a man has come back to bring out the little girl trapped in this woman....
What is it? Who am I? How can the devil in me persuade me to be a bitch? While the angel of light still riles my conscious being?
What is it? Happiness and guilt mixed...
The little girl trapped in the woman is fighting strong feelings for the boy that has evolved into the man. What is it? The beginning or the end? The beginning of the end and the end of a beginning that started with a kiss and will end in a shattered heart.
Though I think I am woman enough to manage....the truth is the little girl has a heart of glass that she knows is about to be broken by the boy that has evolved into a man. And it is what it is.

What the Hell?!!

I love my country immensely but some days I shake my head in despair at how little respect others have for this beautiful Rock. How do people go through life being so frigid and lack common decency?
For the past few days my heart has sank to the lowest point it has in recent days because of the heart-wrenching news of the shooting of Oneil Edwards (1/3 of the group Voicemail). When I heard, I put myself and my friends in that position and I become absolutely petrified. Home is the place where your suppose to be safe and the thought of being attacked at home just chills me to the core. I mean it is the last place you expect to be watching your back....And as if Oneil's shooting wasn't enough, last night Cobra was shot. I was livid because he lives down the road from me in my Housing Scheme!!! I found it strange that I didn't hear a gunshot, then the reports confirmed that he was actually shot in the community across the main road. However, that still was no real comfort because it was a stones throw away from my home .

WHY WHY WHY???!!! are these idiots doing this  to such a wonderful country??????

On a lighter note, I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE Drake's new video!!!!!!!

A New Me?

I know it is cliche, the thought of reinventing one's self but it is a step I am in serious need of. I have been unemployed for 3 months and in a country like mine, that is so so so not good. I live with my mom, aunt and Grandma but unfortunately only my mom works. To make matters worst, she works with the government and like most other public sector workers, she makes enough to pay the bills.

Life for me has come to a halt and I know I might sound like a brat but I can't even buy myself a perfume and that isn't so fun. You see I got a great elementary, high and university education, never got pregnant too young, never had too many boyfriends, never partied much, and never had much friends to lead me astray...except for not having a steady church membership, I was basically a great child. However, I was a victim of the scarce job market (A task that was my own doing). I was employed for a year as a GIS Technician but I kinda got annoyed and left when I got an opportunity to teach for 4 months. armed with faith that something permanent may come, I leaped and fell flat on my face!!!

So now I am sitting at home, facebooking, watching TV and becoming annoyed by my life in general. I try to have faith but truth be told it is very hard. I live in a country ran by nepotism, pedigree and luck. I, unfortunately, possess neither of the three. So I sit in my little bubble praying (to God who is either ignoring me or is just annoyed that I am not seeing the bigger picture) hoping for a change!!!!!

Hey, I value being able to go watch a movie when I want to and buying pointless pieces of clothing that sit in my closet due to my lack of social exploits, buy scents that I no longer have a boyfriend to appreciate.

If this time last year someone told me this would be my life, I would have laughed!!!! However, this is my life and instead of moping and bitching, I'm going to take the bull by the balls and do the damn thing!!!!

Just A Few Places I Have Seen in Jamaica

Morant Point Lighthouse, St. Thomas

View from the Lighthouse

View from the Lighthouse

View from the Lighthouse

                                             

View from the Lighthouse

                                       

A Beautiful Greathouse in St. Catherine

Walking the Line

Walking the Line

Natural Bridge, St. Catherine

Cave Valley, St. Ann

Discovery Bay, St Ann

St. Ann

Dunn's River Falls

Me and Marcus

Dunn's River Falls

Entering Fern Gully

Beautiul Church in St. Ann's Bay

Walking Through Fern Gully

Vineyard Toll Plaza

Marcus Garvey's Birth Place

 

                                                                                    Buff Bay, Portland

  

Hellshire Beach, St. Catherine

Church in Port Royal

Somewhere in St. Andrew

Lovely Portland

Me at the Beautiful Goblin Hill Hotel in San San, Portland

Bath Botanical Garden, St.Thomas